7 pm
Ishita katyal
Monday, 26 April 2021
Friday, 24 August 2018
So you start painting new leaves and twigs
Isn't it funny sometimes or that single time when everything comes crashing down on you and life seems to have no meaning...when everyone seems a stranger and there is not a single soul to connect with..when you leave everything aside and get so numb that nothing affects you or stirs any chord inside you.
You feel it's the end ...
Of a long dream
Of everything your life is based upon
Of every relationship you survived upon
Of every thing that made you 'you'
When everything seems so empty ..people so shallow n stuck up...when you give up making efforts..when you become numb to your own problems...in short when life seems worth ending and running away...
.
.
.
You gradually feel lighter ...
Cause there is nothing to mourn about.. nothing to worry about..cause nothing exists that has to be taken care of..no responsibilities..no tender hearts to care for...no feelings to be taken care of..
And life becomes a blank board..
You are so numb so blank...the board looks new...a white wall...you start painting again...
This time without any expectations.....or fears..cause this is what you were afraid of...n your life came to that...but guess what you are still alive and breathing in it...what possibly could go more wrong..
So you start painting new leaves and twigs...
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
what medical school does to you!
You enter the med school with such naivety that if you compare yourself with what you were and what you turned into(post mbbs) you would be shocked. Medical life changes you completely.
You develop the superpower to cram/understand/both huge enormous books..store it permanently in your brain and then lose the key...a heavier brain but seems so empty!
They make you study everything possible in this world..if you ever see someone analysing a mosquito they just killed..be sympathetic.. He/She,probably,is a mbbs student trying to identify the species...might even be wondering what does this cause? Nope they aint worried about malaria...what probably the poor creature is trying to recall is whether it was filariasis or chikunginya,Japanese encephalitis or rift Valley fever.
You cannot ever estimate what your body needs more..oxygen or caffeine?? Add alcohol for few..and nicotine for others. (Caffeine works for me thankfully)
It makes you super annoyed and irritated when non medico pass comments like' dude your exams are after a month why are you pretending to be busy with studies!' :/
Every friend of yours is suddenly suffering from cancer, tb and what not and it's normal!
You attend few weddings(esp those who do mbbs from outside their state) and wonder whose who..when did these people grow up..! Let alone get married why were they so desperate to have kids so soon..(and you realise they are functioning at a normal pace!!)
You have these intermittent urges to contact people and remind you are still alive and will be available one day...do wait!!
You browse through Facebook instagram whatsapp pics, then look at your clothes and realise..oh so this is what is in these days..why don't I own these clothes too? Just let me get over with this then I will follow the trend too (lol)... One day yeah :/
This sun and moon cycle doesn't stand a chance in your life.You can wake when you want, work when you want and sleep when you want(if they let you).
It makes you numb to a lot of things people would generally feel for and hypersensitive to things you could easily let go....wierd emotions.
And while dealing with all this you wonder why your peers pass comments like 'but then you are a medico(wow)' 'a feat very few achieve ' and you give them a vacant look...really??what did I do..ha ha kiddo!! Wish you knew!
Thursday, 8 October 2015
when an old forgotten song takes you down the memory lane...
An old song, an old episode of your favorite late TV show or a mere tune is enough to throw you back into the past.Isnt it strange we never think about it…it never plays in our mind but you suddenly here a song and lo! It takes you down the memory lane…
Sometimes it takes you there where it felt the best. Your first crush. That first excitement..
The first time I saw him..he was the cutest guy I had ever seen. He was so full of life. My friend was all over him and he looked so disinterested. My mum made me talk to him..I remember looking into his eyes all the time..I can never forget that spark…and of course that smile.That intense mutual will to talk more and more…
Two days later I remember watching him go.I thought I would never see him again.He looked at me until the vehicle drove away..somehow conveyed there was more to it..Sometimes I think if things had stopped at that point,it would have been different. But then that is past,right? You can never change even a bit of it.
We later became friends..best friends.The first guy friend I ever had. Though we did not meet for a year after that it became the closest relationship I had.We eventually fell in love…there was no reason not to.My first love.My first friend. I wish things had remained that beautiful but we ultimately screwed the whole thing…ended on a bitter note..Though we did reconcile after years but its been all formal.
Hmm.. So thats what a tiny insignificant (?) tune does to you…it takes you back into that Era but it doesnt let you change it. Thats bad:)
Sometimes it takes you there where it felt the best. Your first crush. That first excitement..
The first time I saw him..he was the cutest guy I had ever seen. He was so full of life. My friend was all over him and he looked so disinterested. My mum made me talk to him..I remember looking into his eyes all the time..I can never forget that spark…and of course that smile.That intense mutual will to talk more and more…
Two days later I remember watching him go.I thought I would never see him again.He looked at me until the vehicle drove away..somehow conveyed there was more to it..Sometimes I think if things had stopped at that point,it would have been different. But then that is past,right? You can never change even a bit of it.
We later became friends..best friends.The first guy friend I ever had. Though we did not meet for a year after that it became the closest relationship I had.We eventually fell in love…there was no reason not to.My first love.My first friend. I wish things had remained that beautiful but we ultimately screwed the whole thing…ended on a bitter note..Though we did reconcile after years but its been all formal.
Hmm.. So thats what a tiny insignificant (?) tune does to you…it takes you back into that Era but it doesnt let you change it. Thats bad:)
Sunday, 23 August 2015
Truth.
Down there no one really cares.All that matters is self.
People are so downright selfcentered and selfish that ultimately you have to make a choice.You have to decide whose selfishness you can bear without losing your peace of mind and then you allow them to become a part of your life. Its a process...sad one though.
Down there no one really cares.All that matters is self.
People are so downright selfcentered and selfish that ultimately you have to make a choice.You have to decide whose selfishness you can bear without losing your peace of mind and then you allow them to become a part of your life. Its a process...sad one though.
Friday, 3 January 2014
now i cant find my diary...n i need to write...write now....cz der is nothing else i can think of....cz it concerns me...it so v much concerns me...cz its about breaking of a relation.
break ups can be disastrous...so much disastrous that i wonder y ppl even fall in relations....y we get involved...y we let our emotions get so much dependant on someone...so much centered around someone...that its either him or its nothing..
breakups can be so disastrous to your self esteem..,it can land up changing your perception about you....it lands usuch immense self,doubts....n da attitude u carried about yourself..n al the good things u thot about yourself is just gone.....n no matter how much u try to keep it aloof from rest..it does n,it will affect everything....just everything around u.....i just hate it
in fact right now i hate everything incl myself.....
n now dun know y life has made me,so stupidly introvert that i dun even share wid anyone now...
n y to share..,i guesseveryone is going thru much in der own way...n so m i...,
i dun know whether is it normal to feel irritated when ppl go gaga about their relations once u jv broken up....its like either u want then to shut up or break up too,...its ao irritating...its like y is ders still working,,,,y didn't mine.......
six yrs...n it all comes to this...to a state when der is no understanding...just nothing...n ppl simply curse u......another ..yet another incident...n i feel...hey m such a kid..how do i survive all dis..!!!
break ups can be disastrous...so much disastrous that i wonder y ppl even fall in relations....y we get involved...y we let our emotions get so much dependant on someone...so much centered around someone...that its either him or its nothing..
breakups can be so disastrous to your self esteem..,it can land up changing your perception about you....it lands usuch immense self,doubts....n da attitude u carried about yourself..n al the good things u thot about yourself is just gone.....n no matter how much u try to keep it aloof from rest..it does n,it will affect everything....just everything around u.....i just hate it
in fact right now i hate everything incl myself.....
n now dun know y life has made me,so stupidly introvert that i dun even share wid anyone now...
n y to share..,i guesseveryone is going thru much in der own way...n so m i...,
i dun know whether is it normal to feel irritated when ppl go gaga about their relations once u jv broken up....its like either u want then to shut up or break up too,...its ao irritating...its like y is ders still working,,,,y didn't mine.......
six yrs...n it all comes to this...to a state when der is no understanding...just nothing...n ppl simply curse u......another ..yet another incident...n i feel...hey m such a kid..how do i survive all dis..!!!
Sunday, 5 May 2013
N I let it go...
The hardest part of my life has been this...standing on the edge of a cliff my hands shake .....have u ever tried distancing someone from u....someone u have loved a lot......a hell lot......but till a time comes when the best u can do is go away.....away from the person....away from yourself....away from the sweetest side of yours....though u may know this will change u.....change everything....but then Der is nothing u can do.........a time comes when u hate yourself....hate so much that u can't let love love die in this hatred slowly n slowly everyday....u have to let it go....let it fly away somewhere where love still exists....somewhere where trust..understanding...caring still exists....it does not here...within me....n u give the final push....push it from the edge....n see Der it goes.... U wanna call it back so badly....but u keep numb...simply stare...Der it goes.....someone somewhere will do it good.....u climb down...heavily burdened with memories....each step u take it gets unbearable....n u good
break down..... its over....it wasn't meant to be....but it is....
Something's I never understood....somethings were just not meant for me...something's ..yeah..I could not handle.....some people were just too good for me....
Y write more n for whom...!!I give up writing... Let this be the final one..cause now Der won't be anymore....its a lonely road ......
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
No more..
Sometimes u have to lose everything cause that's the only option u have..sometimes u have to do things u never thought u would....leave people u never imagined your existence without....just for their sake....life is strange...sometimes it gives u so much...yet other times nothing...Der r times it gives u everything except what u want....everything has bcum so complex...
I sit on bed,staring out of the window...wondering if I have someone to say all this....n then a thought springs up....why bother anyone....ain't they themselves surrounded by their own hefty problems...?? Who is interested?
sometimes everything is fine...u r busy yet happy...content...n everyday u wake up n say ...I love my life....but the other days u feel a complete void...nothing is clear....u feel like a tiny creature trying to understand the complexities of life ....on your own...trying not to hurt anyone in this process...nor wanna get hurt...
an extremely reserved person I was...until I learnt things get better when u share .... with friends I suppose...!!strange but life again made me a closed box..tightly entangled in chain with locks...keys I have thrown away...just not ready to be open...(really...??)
only if someone could have understood I was waiting for a bit of understanding....lil initiative...n a little effort to open up again...if only u had given me your hand...
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Stop taking for granted..!!
Y do some people take so much advantage of everything....y do ppl take others for granted....just cause they know u r too close....n won't ever leave....the same ppl go to world s end to make everything alright when things go terribly wrong.....but r too lazy to do the same bit by bit everyday so that we never ever reach that stage.....
we are sometimes just too lazy n mean....we go to miles to do something for people who dun mean anything to us just cause they won't wait for us..just cause they won't understand us....but dun care to understand ppl sitting just beside us........why ?? Just cause they r close to our heart n we can always make them feel good when free ...just cause all they will do is complain...n.we can always make up for it....someday...!!! plenty of time we have...!huh!!
its so hard to make a call.to a distant frd or family ....always short of balance but we have loads n loads of it to chatter uselessly for hours to ppl nearby.....no time to respond calls but hell.lot of it to waste lying downing bed doing nothing.....
that's us v r too lazy for the one close to heart....da one who deserves each n every minute of us......n busy with things that mean nothing..people who just dun count....!!
Monday, 23 July 2012
MAKE ME IMMUNE plz...!!
sometimes i feel..thats it....der are no more strange people to see....is se zyaada kya ho ga n life brings yet another bunch .....n da more i meet da more my mind wanders how to deal with them/....
i have met a hell lot of different ppl here....
some like my status said are victims of inferiority complexes who tend to hide it wid a big pseudoego...inside they just too shallow......try n argue u go nowhere...they create a world in their mind where dey r sooo perfect n we all just fools........sometimes i feel its utter stupidity to feel bad about what they say about u but......mind was never a remote controlled gadget......its bound to feel...n it DOES FEEL....!!
den there are some...no matter how much u do for them....in da end it seems so less(of course from der point of view).......n just some trivial fake efforts by others r appreciated so much by them......what u stand in their life..how much u mean all depends where u r...with whom u r....n actually on WHO's WATCHING....!!!!! everything about them is so temporary....
da other one.....they have diff rules for diff people.....diff personalities for diff......n guess what ...for u the bad side is alwz der...!! they might be ready to forgive forget no matter what happens in life but when it comes to u they want to get it etched wid sum highly permanent non washable ink in their mind n want to revise it more n more......more than they shud be actually revising their med syllabus...!!
since da day i hv come here.......i hv seen so many simply struggling to adjust...understand(no efforts yet..!!).....make decisions( which of course dun last..!!)......crave for sumone(who they never get..).....n the list goes on...n there were even some u gave up.....n me??? m simply trying to understand whats happening.....
everytime i write a stupid sad status...i get a feeling ...not again....!! ab toh samajh jao....but then i down have some down regulators working in this department at least who will make me immune.....i cant.........
its been around 7 years i came out of my coccoon(my home..my sfc) n hv had innumerable experiences......its a cycle......it will go on.......m just waiting for the moment when things will actually stop affecting me.......n like others i would be explaining others too"koi kisi ka nahi hota" LOL....he he
i have met a hell lot of different ppl here....
some like my status said are victims of inferiority complexes who tend to hide it wid a big pseudoego...inside they just too shallow......try n argue u go nowhere...they create a world in their mind where dey r sooo perfect n we all just fools........sometimes i feel its utter stupidity to feel bad about what they say about u but......mind was never a remote controlled gadget......its bound to feel...n it DOES FEEL....!!
den there are some...no matter how much u do for them....in da end it seems so less(of course from der point of view).......n just some trivial fake efforts by others r appreciated so much by them......what u stand in their life..how much u mean all depends where u r...with whom u r....n actually on WHO's WATCHING....!!!!! everything about them is so temporary....
da other one.....they have diff rules for diff people.....diff personalities for diff......n guess what ...for u the bad side is alwz der...!! they might be ready to forgive forget no matter what happens in life but when it comes to u they want to get it etched wid sum highly permanent non washable ink in their mind n want to revise it more n more......more than they shud be actually revising their med syllabus...!!
since da day i hv come here.......i hv seen so many simply struggling to adjust...understand(no efforts yet..!!).....make decisions( which of course dun last..!!)......crave for sumone(who they never get..).....n the list goes on...n there were even some u gave up.....n me??? m simply trying to understand whats happening.....
everytime i write a stupid sad status...i get a feeling ...not again....!! ab toh samajh jao....but then i down have some down regulators working in this department at least who will make me immune.....i cant.........
its been around 7 years i came out of my coccoon(my home..my sfc) n hv had innumerable experiences......its a cycle......it will go on.......m just waiting for the moment when things will actually stop affecting me.......n like others i would be explaining others too"koi kisi ka nahi hota" LOL....he he
Sunday, 3 June 2012
let me be 'ME'
there was apoem i read in school....dun rememeber da title..nor da exact lines but it was about sum1 who had bcum too much frustrated wearin a facade...he wanted to be him....but da world forced him to be someone else........false pretence...false praises....all had made him hate da world....n all he desired for was his innocent childhood where he was so much away from da wordly ways..........n his soul was pure...uncorrupted...he could wave n smile if he liked n it wasnt necessary to greet every1 to be "NICE".....but then there are hundreds of ppl he cudn hurt....so a fake smile till his cheeks hurt....else he was cald proud.........a world wear he wore a mask each n every day...........
i dun know y i m thinking of this poem .....tryin to memorise its line.....its been long...i dun even rememeber which standard i read it in...
sometimes i feel so too....sometimes i desire earnestly for ppl in front of whom i can be me......just me...da real me.....without fear...
u meet so mant ppl in life....some do let u be u but its nt that simple....it starts wid phrases like "u r so amazing"......perfect..."i like da way u..." to end up with the same ppl trying to change u in everyway they can........till u simply stop being u......till u wanna yell at them to stop it......
da poet said that the world demands u to be different than what your innerself wants u to be if u wanna survive.......it takes u away from "U"....n u end up being fake.......
if only i cud remember da poem...
i dun know y i m thinking of this poem .....tryin to memorise its line.....its been long...i dun even rememeber which standard i read it in...
sometimes i feel so too....sometimes i desire earnestly for ppl in front of whom i can be me......just me...da real me.....without fear...
u meet so mant ppl in life....some do let u be u but its nt that simple....it starts wid phrases like "u r so amazing"......perfect..."i like da way u..." to end up with the same ppl trying to change u in everyway they can........till u simply stop being u......till u wanna yell at them to stop it......
da poet said that the world demands u to be different than what your innerself wants u to be if u wanna survive.......it takes u away from "U"....n u end up being fake.......
if only i cud remember da poem...
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
ishh: i need u
ishh: i need u: i need u...some times i just wanna sum it up in these 3 words n sometimes i wanna write n write till words dun come...i need u.... i need ...
i need u
i need u...some times i just wanna sum it up in these 3 words n sometimes i wanna write n write till words dun come...i need u....
i need u to understand....understand me..like no one ever did....more than i say...n beyond my deeds.....
u need not be da perfect guy on this earth....u need not be da most handsome one...i dun wanna show u off to the world...i dun want u for da world...... i want u for me..just me...
i dun want u to shower me gifts cards or flowers....i just want u to be near me....each n everytime i need u n also wen i dun....
i need u to understand....dat sumtimes i reali dun understand..!! this world..the people....why somes things turn out the way they do....n why ppl sometimes behave the way they do.......y sometimes everything is so wierd.......i need u to understand that sometimes i might have a completely different perspective..(sorry many times)...n sometimes i tend to look at things beyond good or bad....n that my views mostly do not match with the general ones....
i need u to understand that i dont take revenges...i dun fight back on many on many things..i dun shout back....but m not a coward... when the time comes i can stand for myself........
i need you to understand that m a bit of confused in everything i do;) .....a friend of mine who now rests in heaven named me confusion personified.....i might say its brown today .....2mrw it may be pink......yet i can stick to many things firmly.......
i need u to understand that i can never hurt u intentionally....i cant..its not in me....
i need u to understand that where ever u are.......i'm waiting for u............I NEED U
i need u to understand....understand me..like no one ever did....more than i say...n beyond my deeds.....
u need not be da perfect guy on this earth....u need not be da most handsome one...i dun wanna show u off to the world...i dun want u for da world...... i want u for me..just me...
i dun want u to shower me gifts cards or flowers....i just want u to be near me....each n everytime i need u n also wen i dun....
i need u to understand....dat sumtimes i reali dun understand..!! this world..the people....why somes things turn out the way they do....n why ppl sometimes behave the way they do.......y sometimes everything is so wierd.......i need u to understand that sometimes i might have a completely different perspective..(sorry many times)...n sometimes i tend to look at things beyond good or bad....n that my views mostly do not match with the general ones....
i need u to understand that i dont take revenges...i dun fight back on many on many things..i dun shout back....but m not a coward... when the time comes i can stand for myself........
i need you to understand that m a bit of confused in everything i do;) .....a friend of mine who now rests in heaven named me confusion personified.....i might say its brown today .....2mrw it may be pink......yet i can stick to many things firmly.......
i need u to understand that i can never hurt u intentionally....i cant..its not in me....
i need u to understand that where ever u are.......i'm waiting for u............I NEED U
Sunday, 11 December 2011
ishh: no title
ishh: no title: isnt it strange da way u become immune to certain things that once affected u a hell lot...and now when they happen u dun even wanna spend y...
ishh: no title
ishh: no title: isnt it strange da way u become immune to certain things that once affected u a hell lot...and now when they happen u dun even wanna spend y...
no title
isnt it strange da way u become immune to certain things that once affected u a hell lot...and now when they happen u dun even wanna spend your energy giving a simple frown...as if i dun even care to react...leave alone argue...ha ha...the same thing affected u so much that each aspect of your life turned hell...n now...[just nothing]
may be thats da stage when u find yourself merrier..more content...n when da most appropriate phrase dat hovers in your mind is...life s good..u tend to look at da good aspects...not those who ditched u but those who stood by u......not those who maligned u but those who were ready with words to make u smile....just a smile:)
once sum1 told me...whenever something bad happens...dun mourn...look at da brighter aspect...LIFE IS A SIEVE...it has just removed those u were nt good to u....so dat u remain wid those who care....sumtimes u cant define situations as..i lost a frd....sometimes they were just not meant to be...!! n i guess what she told me is right..may be..!!
but at least one thing i have learnt....when u focus more on the good things in your life...good ppl...all da good good...life seems much much much better.....cause you are driving al your energy towards THE GOOD..!!
may be thats da stage when u find yourself merrier..more content...n when da most appropriate phrase dat hovers in your mind is...life s good..u tend to look at da good aspects...not those who ditched u but those who stood by u......not those who maligned u but those who were ready with words to make u smile....just a smile:)
once sum1 told me...whenever something bad happens...dun mourn...look at da brighter aspect...LIFE IS A SIEVE...it has just removed those u were nt good to u....so dat u remain wid those who care....sumtimes u cant define situations as..i lost a frd....sometimes they were just not meant to be...!! n i guess what she told me is right..may be..!!
but at least one thing i have learnt....when u focus more on the good things in your life...good ppl...all da good good...life seems much much much better.....cause you are driving al your energy towards THE GOOD..!!
Friday, 21 October 2011
ishh: i m still learning..
ishh: i m still learning..: "never let a person of the opoosite gender make you compromise with your standards" This had been one of my fav quotes since school....tho...
i m still learning..
"never let a person of the opoosite gender make you compromise with your standards"
This had been one of my fav quotes since school....though i never actually went into da deeper meaning of it...they say u realise things more deeply after they actually happen to u..
may be dats how i m...da moment i let people close to me..i start keeping them first....and most of the times i find i have lost myself.....
i wish people were more appreciative of the power they are given in someone s life...i wish i was more sensible of how much i was letting them control it too...
This had been one of my fav quotes since school....though i never actually went into da deeper meaning of it...they say u realise things more deeply after they actually happen to u..
may be dats how i m...da moment i let people close to me..i start keeping them first....and most of the times i find i have lost myself.....
i wish people were more appreciative of the power they are given in someone s life...i wish i was more sensible of how much i was letting them control it too...
its only when things go utterly wrong i realise this is not what i am...n of course this is not what i had planned for myself...
LIFE for me has alwz been more than being happy and successful....my aims have alwz been to fly the highest i can...sometimes it disappoints how i let people just cut my wings......dis fact hurts more that in the long run it was i who gave them the power...and still i dun believe in keeping grudges.....its indeed hard to keep hatred n add unnecessary burdens on your mind....forgive n forget....not for them but for your inner peace...!!
But then every experience is a stepping stone...a new lesson...which engraves new changes so deeply that u emerge as a stronger person....with a confidence that next time THIS WONT HAPPEN..!!
LIFE for me has alwz been more than being happy and successful....my aims have alwz been to fly the highest i can...sometimes it disappoints how i let people just cut my wings......dis fact hurts more that in the long run it was i who gave them the power...and still i dun believe in keeping grudges.....its indeed hard to keep hatred n add unnecessary burdens on your mind....forgive n forget....not for them but for your inner peace...!!
But then every experience is a stepping stone...a new lesson...which engraves new changes so deeply that u emerge as a stronger person....with a confidence that next time THIS WONT HAPPEN..!!
ishh: i am still learning.....
ishh: i am still learning.....: "never let a member of the opposite gender make you compromise with your standards" This had been one of my fav quotes since school....tho...
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