The pandemic diaries

26/4/21 

7 pm

Ishita katyal 

So you start painting new leaves and twigs

Isn't it funny sometimes or that single time when everything comes crashing down on you and life seems to have no meaning...when everyone seems a stranger and there is not a single soul to connect with..when you leave everything aside and get so numb that nothing affects you or stirs any chord inside you.
You feel it's the end ...
Of a long dream
Of  everything your life is based upon
Of every relationship you survived upon
Of every thing that made you 'you'

When everything seems so empty ..people so shallow n stuck up...when you give up making efforts..when you become numb to your own problems...in short when life seems worth ending and running away...
.
.
.
You gradually feel lighter ...

Cause there is nothing to mourn about.. nothing to worry about..cause nothing exists that has to be taken care of..no responsibilities..no tender hearts to care for...no feelings to be taken care of..
And life becomes a blank board..
You are so numb so blank...the board looks new...a white wall...you start painting again...
This time without any expectations.....or fears..cause this is what you were afraid of...n your life came to that...but guess what you are still alive and breathing in it...what possibly could go more wrong..

So you start painting new leaves and twigs...

what medical school does to you!

You enter the med school with such naivety that if you compare yourself with what you were and what you turned into(post mbbs) you would be shocked. Medical life changes you completely.

  You develop the superpower to cram/understand/both huge enormous books..store it permanently in your brain and then lose the key...a heavier brain but seems so empty! 

  They make you study everything possible in this world..if you ever see someone analysing a mosquito they just killed..be sympathetic.. He/She,probably,is a mbbs student trying to identify the species...might even be wondering what does this cause?  Nope they aint worried about malaria...what probably the poor creature is trying to recall is whether it was filariasis or chikunginya,Japanese encephalitis or rift Valley fever.

     

   You cannot ever estimate what your body needs more..oxygen or caffeine?? Add alcohol for few..and nicotine for others. (Caffeine works for me thankfully) 

   It makes you super annoyed and irritated when non medico pass comments like' dude your exams are after a month why are you pretending to be busy with studies!' :/ 

   Every friend of yours is suddenly suffering from cancer, tb and what not and it's normal!

     You attend few weddings(esp those who do mbbs from outside their state) and wonder whose who..when did these people grow up..! Let alone get married why were they so desperate to have kids so soon..(and you realise they are functioning at a normal pace!!)

   You have these intermittent urges to contact people and remind you are still alive and will be available one day...do wait!!

   You browse through Facebook instagram whatsapp pics,  then look at your clothes and realise..oh so this is what is in these days..why don't I own these clothes too? Just let me get over with this then I will follow the trend too (lol)... One day yeah :/

   

   This sun and moon cycle doesn't stand a chance in your life.You can wake when you want, work when you want and sleep when you want(if they let you).

It makes you numb to a lot of things people would generally feel for and hypersensitive to things you could easily let go....wierd emotions.

  And while dealing with all this you wonder why your peers pass comments like 'but then you are a medico(wow)' 'a feat very few achieve ' and you give them a vacant look...really??what did I do..ha ha kiddo!! Wish you knew!

  

when an old forgotten song takes you down the memory lane...

An old song,  an old episode of your favorite late TV show or a mere tune is enough to throw you back into the past.Isnt it strange we never think about it…it never plays in our mind  but you suddenly here a song and lo! It takes you down the memory lane…
   Sometimes it takes you there where it felt the best. Your first crush. That  first excitement..
    The first time I saw him..he was the cutest guy I had ever seen. He was so full of life. My friend was all over him and he looked so disinterested. My mum made me talk to him..I remember looking into his eyes all the time..I can never forget that spark…and of course that smile.That intense mutual will to talk more and more…
  Two days later I remember watching him go.I thought I would never see him again.He looked at me until the vehicle drove away..somehow conveyed there was more to it..Sometimes I think if things had stopped at that point,it would have been different. But then that is past,right? You can never change even a bit of it.
  We later became friends..best friends.The first guy friend I ever had. Though we did not meet for a year after that it became the closest relationship I had.We eventually fell in love…there was no reason not to.My first love.My first friend. I wish things had remained that beautiful but we ultimately screwed the whole thing…ended on a bitter note..Though we did reconcile after years but its been all formal.
    Hmm.. So thats what a tiny insignificant (?) tune does to you…it takes you back into that Era but it doesnt let you change it. Thats bad:)

Truth.
Down there no one really cares.All that matters is self.
People are so downright selfcentered and selfish that ultimately you have to make a choice.You have to decide whose selfishness you can bear without losing your peace of mind and then you allow them to become a part of your life. Its a process...sad one though.

now i cant find my diary...n i need to write...write now....cz der is nothing else i can think of....cz it concerns me...it so v much concerns me...cz its about breaking of a relation.
break ups can be disastrous...so much disastrous that i wonder y ppl even fall in relations....y we get involved...y we let our emotions get so much dependant on someone...so much centered around someone...that its either him or its nothing..
breakups can be so disastrous to your self esteem..,it can land up changing your perception about you....it lands usuch immense self,doubts....n da attitude u carried about yourself..n al the good things u thot about yourself is just gone.....n no matter how much u try to keep it aloof from rest..it does n,it will affect everything....just everything around u.....i just hate it
in fact right now i hate everything incl myself.....
n now dun know y life has made me,so stupidly introvert that i dun even share wid anyone now...
n y to share..,i guesseveryone is going thru much in der own way...n so m i...,
i dun know whether is it normal to feel irritated when ppl go gaga about their relations once u jv broken up....its like either u want then to shut up or break up too,...its ao irritating...its like y is ders still working,,,,y didn't mine.......
six yrs...n it all comes to this...to a state when der is no understanding...just nothing...n ppl simply curse u......another ..yet another incident...n i feel...hey m such a kid..how do i survive all dis..!!!

 

N I let it go...

The hardest part of my life has been this...standing on the edge of a cliff my hands shake .....have u ever tried distancing someone from u....someone u have loved a lot......a hell lot......but till a time comes when the best u can do is go away.....away from the person....away from yourself....away from the sweetest side of yours....though u may know this will change u.....change everything....but then Der is nothing u can do.........a time comes when u hate yourself....hate so much that u can't let love love die in this hatred slowly n slowly everyday....u have to let it go....let it fly away somewhere where love still exists....somewhere where trust..understanding...caring still exists....it does not here...within me....n u give the final push....push it from the edge....n see Der it goes.... U wanna call it back so badly....but u keep numb...simply stare...Der it goes.....someone somewhere will do it good.....u climb down...heavily burdened with memories....each step u take it gets unbearable....n u good
break down..... its over....it wasn't meant to be....but it is....

Something's I never understood....somethings were just not meant for me...something's ..yeah..I could not handle.....some people were just too good for me....

Y write more n for whom...!!I give up writing... Let this be the final one..cause now Der won't be anymore....its a lonely road ......